Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Randomize
