The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
