that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
