I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
