I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
