I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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