if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize