i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
