i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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