god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
