I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
