he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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