sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
We need to rekindle our bromance
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
