I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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