I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
