For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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