The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
