it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
