I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
