We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
