haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
