she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
