god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
