Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
