Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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