why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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