is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
