Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
how drunk are you?
Several
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
