He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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