Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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