Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
