Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
