I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
