when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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