im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Two words: nipple clamps
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