he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Houston, we have a blender
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
