Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
