god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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