I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
