I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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