Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
