my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize