Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
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