I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
