he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
