I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
