No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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