You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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