Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
