he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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