I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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