Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
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