Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize