I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
