i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
