this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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