so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
