I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize