We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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